Ask Your Doctor if This Column May Be Good For You
I’ve been thinking-that’s right, I do that sometimes- that for a nation that is supposed to “Just say no to drugs,” we seem to have quite a fascination with them. I’m talking about the legal ones, you know, the ones we’re bombarded with on TV where they tell you to, “Ask your Doctor if Ripoffatol may be good for you.” I’ve been asking my Doctor these questions for years and that quack hasn’t found a single one good for me yet.
One major problem for me is: I have no idea what these drugs do. I propose a new commission on drug names and of course am volunteering to head the whole thing. After all it was my idea and besides, after attempting to make a living as a musician and writer, I’m still looking for that career that might be, “Good for me.”
There is no reason these drugs can’t be named so we understand their purpose. They have Cialis, Viagra and Levitra, which sound more like the front line of a NHL hockey team than drugs for male performance enhancement. And just what is male performance enhancement. Does it make you juggle better, make your jokes funnier, your Karaoke skills sharper? No, it’s a sexual thing, so why don’t they just come out and call them Erectivan, Bonersec, or Studitol.
They have Nexium for indigestion, Prilosec for heartburn and Celebrex for arthritis. What the heck do any of these names have to do with anything? How about calling them, Belchnomore, Burpnomore and Creaknomore? Besides, I’m getting up there in years myself and believe me, there’s nothing to Celebrex about arthritis pain.
The TV disclaimers aren’t helping either. You know, where the mystery voice says using such-and-such may cause diarrhea, bad breath, skanky toenails and/or death. I don’t know about you but to me, anything that causes skanky toenails and/or death just might not be worth dealing with. Utilizing my extensive research capabilities (internet), I have found one side effect of Rogaine- which I would name comboverit- is swelling of the extremities. Didn’t we cover that in the paragraph on Erectivan and Bonersec?
They also have drugs out there to help control anger issues. Now I must admit, even with my exhaustive researching, I still can’t spell, pronounce or even copy down the names because they are just too darned complicated. I propose, for anger management, Trailerparkeset. Now before you start howling about me persecuting, “Trailer Trash,” you should know I used to live in a trailer park. Of course they called it a, “Mobile Home Community,” but, “Trailer Trash,” rolls so much easier off the tongue than, “Mobile Home Community Trash.” We finally bought a home without wheels though, so I am now a respectable suburbanite and can show you my Costco card to prove it.
Back to the drug scene, if they ever start selling medicinal marijuana, they could name it 420um, or for you older pot-heads, Grassitol. Boy, I would love to hear the disclaimer on that commercial, “Using Grassitol may result in memory loss, lethargy and/or extreme Cheeto abuse.”
Another thing I found while utilizing my now famous researching abilities is: these names are not the mumbo-jumbo Latin medical names the doctors use. These names are the ones they simplified for our feeble little brains. Rogain is actually called Minoxidil, Yeah, Rogain explains it much better, thanks for helping us out. Also, just so you don’t get confused, when using Preparation H, the H does not stand for Hair. They have Ditropan for bladder control, which I would name Holditasec. BenGay sounds like something they should give that disgraced Minister from Colorado Springs and the depression drug Wellbutrin should just be called Getoverit.
There are numerous drugs to handle PMS, but none for the males who have to suffer through it as well. If made available, I would name that drug AAAARRRGGG. There is a drug called Premarin for Menopause which I would rename, Hotflashamax. I believe its’ target users are women. We men already have a drug to enable us to handle the female menopause. They call it Valium, which I would rename Yesdearium, but that’s just me.
I’ll be heading to my Doctor’s office soon. The Wife has been nagging me to, amongst many other things, get my 50,000 mile checkup done. After he’s done poking and prodding in places he doesn’t belong and asking question he really doesn’t want an honest answer to, I’ve got a few of my own. After all the nagging to get me here, I’d like to know if it’s time for the wife to get some Hotflasamax. If so, would I be better off with Trailerparkeset or Yesdearium? Just which one would be right for me, Doc?
One last warning before I close: this one about the illegal varieties. I just read that drug dealers are mixing their drugs in with candy to trick the kids. You might explain to the little ones that when a tootsie roll costs $25, there might be more than meets the eye. I bring this up because, just in case that quack doesn’t find anything, “Right for me,” does anyone know where I can get my hands on one of those Yesdearium lollipops.
© Michael Ryan 2007