I Can’t Get It Up
By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: April 10, 2007

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              I have been out of touch lately, but not intentionally. My computer went down last week. I have become totally dependent on this bundle of cords, wires, chips and other sundry instruments of torture. Before acquiring this sado-masochistic toy, I was actually able to write with just a pen and a piece of paper. Now I require a minimum of 512mb of memory with a whatever-MHz Intel processor, 80gb Hard Drive, CD/DVD burner, along with at least a 17" flat screen monitor, keyboard, mouse and enough software CDs to fill a filing cabinet. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars to replace a pen and a piece of paper. 



              I just hope for your sake, you never have any trouble with your soul-less electronic brain in a box. You’ll get sentenced to computer user Hell, or as they like to call it, Tech Support. I never had to deal with the Dark Lords of computing until now because my computer was still under warranty. Amazing how that worked out. Now that I finally need their supreme wisdom and advice, it will cost $1.95 per minute. The only other people I know who get paid by the minute are working the telephone sex lines, and they’re always nice when I call. The Bill Gates wannabe charged me Forty bucks to find out I need a new Motherboard. 



             "Will that be dropped off on the next arrival of the Mothership?" I asked. I thought these geeks liked Star Trek jokes. 
Oh, excuse me, Mr. Know-it-all, that was Close Encounters. Man, those guys have no sense of humor, and then they wonder why they can’t get a date on Saturday night. For all the grief it has caused me, why don’t they call it a Mother-in-law board? 
Then things started getting personal. "Are you able to get it up," I was asked. "Sorry Pal," I replied, "but I don’t answer my emails that ask that, I’m sure not telling you."  Of course the smug little jerk asked, "Did you search the ’C’ drive for the natural dot doc file and delete it?" 



             If I was aware of the fact that deleting his natural dot doc file would fix my problem, why would I be paying $1.95 a minute to be told how stupid I am? Heck, I’m married, with kids. I can get that right here at home for free.  Next, he of course assumed I had run the WinWord Slash A colon file from the start, run column? Now I have no idea what a "Slash A Colon" file is but it doesn’t sound good and frankly, at a $1.95 a minute, I didn’t want to ask. 
"No, but I did try typing in ’#$%@*&’ a couple of times." I expertly replied. That one shut him up. 



              It seems the more we can do with our computers, the less we can do with our brains. I contacted (by phone obviously) a friend who is actually paid to set up and fix computer systems. I left him a message explaining that my computer was down and I needed help. After several days of no response, I contacted him again (by phone, obviously) and was told he had explained my solutions in, get this: the Email he sent me. In the immortal words of that great philosopher Homer (Simpson, that is), "D’oh!" I’m telling you, these guys live in a different world than you and I. 



               Anyway, I finally have the computer up and running,  thank you for your concern. How long it stays up is anyone’s guess. I think I’ll check those Spam messages that have piled up. Maybe someone sells Viagra for computers. Everything will soon be back to normal except, oh yeah, my digital watch is stuck on daylight savings time and reads an hour late, plus it beeps at all hours of the day. The VCR is flashing 12:00 constantly and the recording timer works when, well, it doesn’t work. I’m currently studying to learn how the DVD player works and have completely given up on the CD changer. The heck with Tech Support, I need Life Support. 
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