As most of you may know, I am a musician and a writer, which is another way of saying, unemployed. I get paid as a musician, but free beer will only take you so far. I’m also tired of telling editors, after they tell me I’ll get great, "Exposure," in their magazine, that people die here in Colorado of, "Exposure." I am also an avid sports fan so why not incorporate that into a job search? I have recently been studiously examining the local sports/employment scene for opportunities and this is what I have found.

It has been kind of hard listening to wide receiver Brandon Marshal whining about his 2 million plus salary when I still can’t find work. I briefly considered trying out for the Broncos as a wide receiver but alas, it’s not for me. I would fit in well on the squad because I can whine and pout with the best of them, just ask The Wife, though she’ll also tell you I’d be the first player put on injured reserve due to gout. Wide receivers tend to run fast and let’s face it: I’m not quite as fast as I used to be which was pretty slow to begin with. Lately though, I have been loosening up the old arm and leaning more towards trying out for quarterback.

Right after I naively convinced myself the Denver Broncos could go to the Super Bowl with Kyle Orton, he went down. Not with an ACL, or ruptured Achilles or something manly like that. No, his finger hurts. What’s with that? I mean, this is football, not baseball. Suddenly my being placed on injured reserve for gout doesn’t seem so far-fetched. The over/under in Vegas for the Broncos is 7, but I’m thinking they mean quarterbacks, not games. Chris Simms goes down with a sprained ankle; I’ve had plenty of those lately, some sprains, some gout. Tom Brandstater is inexperienced, but so am I. The other new guy is someone nobody has ever heard of, something unfortunately, I can relate to as well. My only problem is I can’t get through to Coach Opie, and owner Pat Bowlen won’t return my calls since I chewed him out for the lack of urinals in the South Stands bathrooms.

That’s right folks, I wrote a letter to Mr. Bowlen, complaining about the lines at the men’s room, and the lack of TVs in the concourse, (I told you I was a writer.) One of their PR flacks contacted me and promised there would a solution soon. That was two seasons ago. They did put a few TVs up, and for that I am grateful, but the urinal solution has come as slow as a Bronco pass rush. They have maybe twenty something urinals for the whole South Stands along with ten sinks in the men’s room. Ten sinks? There aren’t ten guys in the whole stadium who will wash their hands after peeing. I know this grosses out you girls, but it’s a fact, trust me. More guys pee in the sinks then wash in them. The lines to go have become more of a major problem for my fellow attendees and me lately because when you have a team that sucks, you tend to drink more. You drink more, you tend to pee more. Suddenly, that open sink looks more and more attractive. I know Mom would be shocked if I peed in a sink; I was taught better. I don’t feel bad for not washing afterwards though; I also learned to go without peeing on my hands.

Sorry, I got off-subject, back to football. I know this is just pre-season, but that is part of the problem. I have tickets to the last pre-season game, where I will pay $77 a ticket plus $20 to park, $6.50 for a beer and God knows how much they are charging for nachos this year, just so I can watch a bunch of guys who aren’t going to make our team, play a bunch of guys who aren’t going to make Arizona’s team. Well I’m sure not going to make the team either, but they could at least throw me a paycheck or two to try at least to make up for, you know, the bathroom thing.

So I turned my attention to basketball. Since the Nuggets have announced their annual J.R Smith suspension, I’m thinking there may be a spot for me. This guy makes like 8 gazillion dollars a year, yet still hasn’t figured out how to call a cab or rent a limo. I know how to do both. I can’t afford either, but with a big fat contract, that will change. One consideration which may derail my NBA career is a biggie. I’m afraid of needles, so therefore, I have no tattoos. On the plus side my jump shot is pretty good, if you leave the jump part out. So, I have let Coach Karl know that if they are ever looking for a slow, old, white guy with no tattoos who has no jump in his jump shot, well. I’m their man.

Then there is the Avalanche. Joe Sakic has announced his retirement, so that leaves us with, uhmmmm, I’ll have to get back to you later on that. I briefly considered a career in hockey but there is that little problem with skating, mainly being that I can’t. The only things I do well on ice are scotch and bourbon, so I’m afraid they will have to lose again this year without me.

I would look into playing for the local baseball or soccer teams, but we are talking sports here. I tried to get into watching the Crush, Denver’s Arena Football team, and maybe even trying out, but they have closed up shop quicker than a Republican campaign office in Boulder.

I considered giving sports announcing a shot, especially since John Madden’s job was vacant. I’m used to riding on a bus like Madden, though calling the transportation on my musical road trips a bus is an insult to busses everywhere. Instead of the Madden Cruiser, we rode the Bumps and Bruiser. My main holdup on announcing though was: I can’t pronounce the player’s names anymore. How the heck am I supposed to introduce Raider’s cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha or better yet, Will Ta’ufo’ou, of the Bears, when I still think, "Favre," should be pronounced, "Fav ree?" Besides, these guys wear suits to football games and that is just plain wrong.

So what’s a fellow to do? I gave it a shot: put some feelers out, and now we’ll see what happens. I will continue to attend the games, or as I call it, "Network with the industry." I will still write, argue about pay with editors and play music as well. At least I still get the free beer from the music gigs, which isn’t so bad. Like I always say, "The more I drink, the more I get paid."