By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: November 29, 2009

A lot of the folks are worried about the coyotes around here and the safety of their pets. They ought to be more concerned about the cougars and the safety of their young boys. I’m not talking about the feline type, though these can be pretty catty themselves. I’m talking about the new phenomenon of older women preying on younger men. The cougars I’m talking about also have fangs and claws, some even have cute little tails, but I tell you what: these are no dumb animals. These cats don’t eat their young; they will eat yours’ though.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: April 1, 2009

There are many places in the world I have yet to see: The canals of Venice, the Pyramids of Egypt, the Great Wall of China and Aisle Eight at our local supermarket. To visit the first three have been lifelong dreams, the last: a nightmare. That’s the aisle assigned to the Feminine Hygiene products, or at least that’s what the sign warns.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: February 11, 2009

Valentines Day is coming, and you thought Christmas was stressful? As a male this one has always been a headache or heartache, take your pick. Going back as far as first grade, I can remember being forced to send out the, "Be my Valentine cards," even to girls I had no interest in, which was all of them. I will never forget nor forgive my first grade teacher, old Miss Whatshername, making me and every other boy send out Valentines to all the girls in class, even the ones with cooties.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: November 28, 2008

"Hello, my name is Mike Ryan and I am a musician."

There, I said it. I feel like I’m at an AA meeting and the room is full of teary eyed addicts, waiting to hear my tale. That’s how I’ve been made to feel since applying for a job. Yep, you heard me right, quit the snickering: a job. I thought I’d go straight, leave the seedy life I have been living, leave the "Dark," side, and join the rest of normal society. Actually I feel like a criminal, out on parole and unable to convince anyone I can be a viable contributor to society. I recently applied to work for a financial institution which shall remain nameless. To give you a hint, their name rhymes with Wachovia. Okay, I’m a little upset with them after what they have put me through. A little back-history is in order.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: May 19, 2008

According to The Wife, when the Democratic convention comes to town, we’re out of here. You see, she works downtown and doesn’t want anything to do with demonstrations, riots, Secret Service sharpshooters, or even Democrats for that matter. She wants to go somewhere safer and saner, like Mexico. I, on the other hand, am excited. Where else can a comedy writer find so much material right in his own back yard? Why go to Mexico when we have a Donkey show right here?

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: January 28, 2008

I went skiing with The Wife and Kid the other day and suddenly every thing has gotten so competitive. Okay, The Wife and I skied; The Kid snowboarded. I know I already covered The Kid learning to ski, then crossing over to the dark side in a tearful column of the past. I have accepted this snowboarding thing as more than a phase she’s going through, like Rap music and saying the word, "Like" before every other word but now I must accept that she is faster than me.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: January 6, 2008

What’s with all these New Year’s resolutions, and why does everyone seem to think I’m even vaguely interested? I’m not naming any names, but this never came up when I was single.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: November 5, 2007

I made it back after all. I wasn’t too surprised when the U.S. authorities let me leave the country, nor when the Mexicans let me in. What’s surprising is the U.S. let me come back. But then again, it’s certainly not the hardest border in the world to cross, is it? At the customs desk, they asked if I had anything to declare: bad move. After about ten minutes of expounding on my political, religious and socio-economic beliefs, the agent stopped me and asked in an agitated state, "Did you purchase anything in Mexico?"

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: October 2, 2007

What have we adults done to Halloween? The streets used to be filled with witches and goblins, clowns and pirates, all picking their way from door to door in complete and total identity concealing darkness. Now we have a couple of kids come to the door while it’s still light out and that’s it. Where’s the fun in that? The rest of the kids are trick or treating at the mall. The mall? What self respecting juvenile delinquent would trick or treat at a mall? We used to count the minutes till sundown, Mom would make us eat a good dinner then out the door we flew, into the darkness to fend for ourselves.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: August 2, 2007

After hearing of Vice-President Cheney’s heart troubles, I felt it was time to come out in public with mine. A recent test revealed my heart to be in a weakened state. No, this test wasn’t performed in my doctor’s office nor was it performed in any hospital, though it was similar to what they call a, "stress test." The test I am referring to was the written exam my teenage daughter just passed to earn her driving permit. The Kid passed with flying colors which is unfortunate, due to this being the one time I was rooting for failure.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: June 25, 2007

He waves his menacing weapon in my direction and I cringe with fear. He is packed with explosives and it seems there is no one to stop him. His grin is sinister and the laughter emanating from his mouth is demonic. Not only is he hell-bent on blowing up everything in his path, he enjoys it to the point of euphoria. He is not alone. They run in packs, terrorizing at random. The acrid smell of gunpowder hangs in the air as the pop, pop, pop of distant explosions invade the stillness of the night.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: May 28, 2007

Oh boy, am I lucky or not? The Wife just informed me that we have to go shopping today.

"Not just shopping," she says, "but shopping together."

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: May 28, 2007

A recent article concerning computer passwords was very disturbing to me. This article stated that the average computer user today has something like twelve, or was it twenty-two passwords on their accounts? I can’t remember which it was, and therein lies my dilemma. I can’t even remember figures from an article I read yesterday, yet I am expected to remember twelve to twenty-two passwords?

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: April 10, 2007

It’s a taxing time of year, literally. I sat down to do my taxes today and completely forgot to take my medications first. In my younger days I could use the 1040EZ, which is the simplest form, with the EZ meaning Extra-strength Xanex. Of course there is the in-between form called the 1040A, with the A meaning Acid Reflux. It’s the only form which tells what you’ll get, not what to take, but if the IRS always followed one set system, we wouldn’t need all these drug tips, would we? Lately, I file with the new, more advanced 1040V form. For those of you not familiar with that form, it involves the 1040 form, and the V stands for Valium.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: September 8, 2009

As most of you may know, I am a musician and a writer, which is another way of saying, unemployed. I get paid as a musician, but free beer will only take you so far. I’m also tired of telling editors, after they tell me I’ll get great, "Exposure," in their magazine, that people die here in Colorado of, "Exposure." I am also an avid sports fan so why not incorporate that into a job search? I have recently been studiously examining the local sports/employment scene for opportunities and this is what I have found.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: June 2, 2009

I now have a new travel planner. The next time the Center for Disease Control or the World Health Organization declares a, "Threat to all of humanity," I’m booking a trip. I recently returned from that hotbed of swine flu, Mexico and had probably my best vacation yet: no crowds, excellent service, my choice of rooms and, oh yeah, no swine flu either.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: February 11, 2009

I have a real pain in my butt. No, for once I’m not talking about The Kids, or even The Wife, I mean a real pain. Someone mentioned it may be my Gluteus Maximus and I was thinking: isn’t that the character Russell Crowe played in Gladiator? Thank God for the internet. I now know what’s hurting me so bad: that’s right, it is my Gluteus Maximus after all. It is a butt muscle for those of you without internet service, a big honking one at that and the reason for my discomfort.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: November 13, 2008

Start spreading the news. That’s right folks, Ma and Pa Ryan are back from the Big Apple. The Wife and I recently returned from a trip to New York City and I promise I will never again take it personal when someone calls Denver a "Cow-town."

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: August 22, 2008

I have been having quite a few Olympic moments lately. Just last night, after nailing my entire routine, flawlessly I may add, I stuck the landing on my dismount, threw my hands up over my head and puffed out my chest in triumph. The Wife just rolled her eyes, muttered something to the effect of, "Oh brother," then rolled over and went to sleep.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: July 8, 2008

So I didn’t get the nomination, big deal. What person in his right mind would want to be President anyway? The hours suck, I’d have to relocate to D.C. of all places and I would have to hear," Hail to the Chief," every time I entered a room. I still constantly hear, "It’s a Small World After All," bouncing through my cranium and it’s been at least 15 year since I last went to Disneyworld. I’m shooting for the V.P. job now and am much more suited for it anyway.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: April 4, 2008

Company is coming so chaos has broken out at my house. The Wife is on a tear, even worse than normal, trying to get our home ready. Our old friends from out-of-state are coming and will be seeing our new home for the first time. The Wife wants everything perfect which in my world means the fridge is stocked with beer and steaks. Okay, maybe the guest bedroom has some sheets and a blanket: preferably but not necessarily clean. I understand she wants the place cleaned up but heck, I just vacuumed like, a month ago. So I gave in and since I spend my nights playing music and my days writing these informative missives and am home during the day, I have been using what little spare time I may have, cleaning.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: March 7, 2008

I have been doing a little work around the house these days. I know, I know, I told you I never did that. It seems home-ownership has made me change my ways: that and The Wife. I guess I made the mistake of saying, "Yes Dear," one too many times.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: December 3, 2007

Okay folks, it’s that time of year again. I’ve finally gotten rid of the headache from the candy overdose on Halloween. The Thanksgiving indigestion from the mushroom soup-coated string-bean casserole with those burnt French fry thingies on top is subsiding, and now I have to go shopping for Christmas. Oh joy. It’s time for me to get into my usual Holiday spirit and say, "Bah humbug." I know some of you are saying to yourself, "What a crusty, mean spirited old man he must be," and my response would be, "Oh, have we met?"

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: September 10, 2007

I recently went to see The Little Mermaid at the new Ellie Caulkins Opera House during their preview run for two reasons. One: I felt it was time for the Rhythm Section Review to get a little culture, and for two: my neighbors offered to take The Wife and me for her…ummm…29^th birthday. Now, we all know she’s slightly older than 29, but for my continued happiness, let’s just leave it at that.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: August 27, 2007

That’s right folks, I am a winner. I have just been notified by E-Mail. All I can say is, "It’s about damn time." I finally received the notice on my computer today. I’m sure thankful that high-dollar spam filter/firewall /spyware /virus protector didn’t block this one. Come to think of it, it doesn’t seem to block anything except the stuff I need, but that’s a column for another day.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: August 27, 2007

I went shopping the other day. No, this isn’t a remake of my "Shopping" column of past issues; this was actually my idea. I grabbed The Wife, jumped in the car and hit the Garage Sale Circuit. I had never done this before mainly because it requires you to be on the road at a much earlier time of day than I am used to.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: July 23, 2007

Well, it’s that time of year folks: summertime, which also means vacation time. While this usually warrants an, "Oh boy," from most of us, if you have children it may mean, "oh brother." Not that I don’t love spending time with the kids, because I do, it’s just that my idea of vacation fun is a little different from their’s. Most kids dream of going to Disney World and, I must admit, I was no different. Of course that was when I was a kid and didn’t have to pay for anything. Now that I’m a grumpy old man, (my daughter’s description, not mine), it’s a different story altogether and one that needs sharing with the uninitiated.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: June 25, 2007

I’ve been thinking - that’s right, I do that sometimes - that for a nation that is supposed to "Just say no to drugs," we seem to have quite a fascination with them. I’m talking about the legal ones. You know, the ones we’re bombarded with on TV where they tell you to, "Ask your Doctor if Ripoffatol may be good for you." I’ve been asking my Doctor these questions for years and that quack hasn’t found a single one good for me yet.

By Mike "Hammer" Ryan
Published: April 10, 2007

I have been out of touch lately, but not intentionally. My computer went down last week. I have become totally dependent on this bundle of cords, wires, chips and other sundry instruments of torture. Before acquiring this sado-masochistic toy, I was actually able to write with just a pen and a piece of paper. Now I require a minimum of 512mb of memory with a whatever-MHz Intel processor, 80gb Hard Drive, CD/DVD burner, along with at least a 17" flat screen monitor, keyboard, mouse and enough software CDs to fill a filing cabinet. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars to replace a pen and a piece of paper.