Colorado Local Legends

EDITOR'S NOTE: After several days of intense contemplation, meditation, and prescription medication, along with a couple of day trips to Boulder, our resident 'non-believer-in-anything', also known as Hammer, has decided to delve into the astrological sciences. The following is his take and his take only.

Virgo
(The Virgin)
Aug 23-Sept 22
The stars say you love tennis, racquetball, swimming, sailing, fishing and biking. No wonder you’re a virgin, who has the time? Virgo is an earth sign and the sixth sign of the Zodiac, which means absolutely nothing to me, just thought you might want to know. Most Virgos are shy and waiting for the perfect lover; good luck with that. Your sign rules the sinuses, respiratory systems and bowels. How these are all related, I’m not sure, but I’m thinking they are why you always seem to have a cold, a cough and are, well we won’t get into that. You have an analytical and critical approach to relationships, which is an instant turnoff to men, hence the Virgin sign. Celebrity Virgins, Virgos or whatever you want to call yourselves include Mrs. Hammer, explaining why I never seem to get any this time of year.

Libra
(The Scales)
Sept 23-Oct 23
You tend towards procrastination and vacillation, which we will definitely get to later, or maybe not. Librans love to be admired, especially while standing naked and holding up a set of scales. Your love of justice makes you fair-minded, your love of ice cream makes you big-behinded. Okay, that may not be a word, but this is my column, not yours. Your flowers include roses, daisies, violets and orchids, which my exhaustive astrological research has shown means, well, you like pretty flowers. Libra has given us artists such as Arthur Miller, Mario Puzo, John Le Carre’ and Oscar Wilde along with David Lee Roth, Hillary Duff and Tanya Tucker, showing there really is balance in the world.

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Hammerscope Archive
EDITOR'S NOTE: After several days of intense contemplation, meditation, and prescription medication, along with a couple of day trips to Boulder, our resident 'non-believer-in-anything', also known as Hammer, has decided to delve into the astrological sciences. The following is his take and his take only.
Aries (The Ram) Mar 21-Apr 19 Ariens, besides having a symbol resembling the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, have masses of energy and courage but are very hard-headed. Usually lacking in discipline and the capacity for prolonged effort, you sound like the average American youth to me. Unfortunately, these traits do carry over to adulthood; that is if you ever reach that milestone. You tend to be overly impulsive, then get bored and wander off. You need to overcome these traits, get your own place and get your stuff out of my garage. Sorry, getting a little personal there. Some may think I’m speaking of my youngest child, but she is not an Aries. Then again, if the hoof fits… The stars say you are subject to headaches and fevers, though you may tend to give more than you receive. Celebrity Ariens include: Steven Tyler, Rosie O’Donnell, Conan O’Brian and M.C. Hammer. What was that I said about adulthood? Gemini (The Twins) May 21 - June 20 Gemini is a masculine sign which is rather odd considering your symbol is twins in dresses with long hair and boobs. O f course, I have played in bands with guys like that, so no big deal. The stars say you are a quick-witted communicator, but it was cloudy that night so they may have meant dim, not quick. You are a social animal, a party animal and the dream date for most guys (see symbol above.) Gemini is a dual sign: up or down which means you could go both ways, you could be, you know, bi. Of course I mean bi-linqual, what did you think I meant? You tend to exaggerate, which is a huge and gigantic fault and tend towards sarcasm; yeah right, whatever. You are interested in whatever is new and fashionable, which explains why you are reading the Hammerscopes. Leo (The Lion) July 23-Aug 22 So, you’re feeling smug because your sign is a cat? I say big deal. I have a cat and all she does is sleep all day: the lucky little bitch. You have a regal bearing, aspire to be the center of attention and expect others to pay homage. Yeah, you’re definitely a cat. You are stubborn and resistant to change, addicted to rich food and tend to avoid boring or strenuous exercise. These traits combine to make you a fat cat which makes it easier for us to ridicule you, not that we need much help there. Your colors are gold, royal purple and orange which may make a nice robe for the, "King of the Forest,", but otherwise is just plain tacky. Celebrity Leos include: Monica Lewinsky, Madonna and Whitney Houston. Like I said, just plain tacky. Libra (The Scales) Sept 23-Oct 23 You tend towards procrastination and vacillation, which we will definitely get to later, or maybe not. Librans love to be admired, especially while standing naked and holding up a set of scales. Your love of justice makes you fair-minded, your love of ice cream makes you big-behinded. Okay, that may not be a word, but this is my column, not yours. Your flowers include roses, daisies, violets and orchids, which my exhaustive astrological research has shown means, well, you like pretty flowers. Libra has given us artists such as Arthur Miller, Mario Puzo, John Le Carre’ and Oscar Wilde along with David Lee Roth, Hillary Duff and Tanya Tucker, showing there really is balance in the world. Sagittarius (The Archer) Nov 23-Dec 21 Sagittarius is represented by a half-horse, half man creature. Since Sagittarians have a tendency to gamble, you could actually bet on yourself, before running the race. Your sign governs long-distance travel and communications. Can you hear me now? Maybe if you pulled your head out of you a** you could. Horses do tend to generate a lot of, uhmm, waste. The good thing about this half-horse, half-man deal is you are capable of cleaning up after yourself. The bad part is, you’re half-man so you don’t give a … Dead Sagittarians include Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Gregg Allman and Keith Richards. What’s that? You say Greg and Keith aren’t dead yet? Oh Yeah? Have you taken a look at them lately? Aquarius (Water Bearer) Jan 20- Feb 19 Aquarius is a masculine sign demonstrated by the guy with the, "Buns of Steel," above. Called, " The Water Bearer," in the past but just, "The Waiter," by me now, you are a champion of the highest principals and work well with others. How Dick Cheney became an Aquarian is beyond me, but then again, so are a lot of things. Yours is a fixed sign which governs intellect and originality, but also an air sign which explains Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin. You are also unorthodox and inventive, exemplified by Alice Cooper, but I can find no explanation at all in the stars for Paris Hilton, Yoko Ono or Garth Brooks.		Taurus (The Bull) April 20-May 20 Taurus, a solidly built, trustworthy and reliable sign is also represented by the Bull on Wall Street signifying the Stock Market. This is very appropriate considering their product is Bull, my portfolio is Bull, and my 401k is now Bull as well. Sorry, getting a little off track there. You have a nose for personnel comfort and physical pleasure with a tendency to accept ridiculous bonuses. Taurus likes to garden and loves the outdoors, which should come in handy at that prison farm in upstate New York. Okay, I’ll stop. Fellow Taurens include: Bernie Madoff, (surprise, surprise,) Karl Marx (not one of the Marx Brothers,) and Ted, (my stockbroker who is also a piece of Bull****.). Cancer (The Crab) June 21-July 22 Cancer is ruled by a Restless Moon. What does this mean? You are either ruled by that hunk of rock in the sky, or the newest country band out of Nashville; take your pick. The Crab is a feminine sign, appropriately enough and makes you extremely sensitive and emotionally intense, while making the rest us run for cover. You love to surround yourself with sentimental objects, accumulate useless junk and are unwilling to throw anything out: I know a few single musicians who would be perfect for you. The names of celebrities sharing your sign include: Huey Lewis, Ringo Starr, Sylvester Stallone and Rufus Wainwright, proving you all have parents with a sense of humor. Virgo (The Virgin) Aug 23-Sept 22 The stars say you love tennis, racquetball, swimming, sailing, fishing and biking. No wonder you’re a virgin, who has the time? Virgo is an earth sign and the sixth sign of the Zodiac, which means absolutely nothing to me, just thought you might want to know. Most Virgos are shy and waiting for the perfect lover; good luck with that. Your sign rules the sinuses, respiratory systems and bowels. How these are all related, I’m not sure, but I’m thinking they are why you always seem to have a cold, a cough and are, well we won’t get into that. You have an analytical and critical approach to relationships, which is an instant turnoff to men, hence the Virgin sign. Celebrity Virgins, Virgos or whatever you want to call yourselves include Mrs. Hammer, explaining why I never seem to get any this time of year. Scorpio (The Scorpion) Oct 24-Nov 22 Just as the brilliant stars in the October sky tell me you are a talkative romantic, they also tell me to go inside, it’s fricking cold out all of a sudden. As the seasons change you refuse to yourself, because you tend to be stubborn and resistant to change. I would think you’d learn, as this happens every year during your month but the word brilliant applies to the stars, not you. Scorpio rules the reproductive organs, and with a poisonous tail such as yours, that’s scary. You are passionate and emotional, sometimes harboring a vindictive jealousy, and let’s not forget that poisonous tail. And you wonder why you are single? Celebrity Scorpios include musical artists, Art Garfunkel, Gordon Lightfoot and Yanni, showing that while Scorpios may be romantics, you can sure be boring too. Capricorn (The Goat) Dec 22-Jan 19 Let’s see now, you’re half-goat, half-fish which sounds like an entree at a Greek restaurant to me. Some astrological charts call you the Sea Goat but you know I would never do such a thing. You are also ruled by Saturn, which, sad to say, is now out of business. The goat part of you is sure-footed and also randy (horny). The fish part is well, fishy which means: hell I don’t know. Celebrity Capricorns include: Davy Jones, Michael Nesmith, J.R.R. Tolkien and Elvis Presley. That’s two Monkeys, a Hobbit and a King. Sounds like the sequel to Lord of The Rings. Pisces (The Fish) Feb 20-Mar 20 You Pisces, are prone to swelling, allergic reactions to drugs and injuries to the feet. I’m not sure if I’m reading the stars or the warning label for Viagra. You are emotionally vulnerable, clinging and melancholic which explains why we mostly avoid you. You are the twelfth sign and ruled by Jupiter and someone they call New Age Neptune. I think he’s Kenny G’s bass player. Jupiter gives you your thirst for knowledge, while New Age Neptune gives you bland, boring, mind-numbing music. Pisces is both a dual and water sign but, sorry to say, your sign looks like a view of two dead fish in the bottom of a bucket. That might mean something, might not. Celebrity Pisceses, Piscesians, or whatever you’re called includes three more mind-numbers of the music business: Karen Carpenter, Lawrence Welk and Michael Bolton.